I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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