His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
