you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You took a bar mat shot.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
