thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
