I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
