I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
