Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
