i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
