hotel room ftw
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
