bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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