I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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