reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
