He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
