I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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