you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
