the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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