You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
