She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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