If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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