If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
