You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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