it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
