I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
