I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
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