He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
