i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
