Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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