So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
