You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
