His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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