My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
