The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
