just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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