you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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