thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
