The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
