Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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