just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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