She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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