eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
