You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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