my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
