i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
