hotel room ftw
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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