Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
