a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
