so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
