Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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