You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
