Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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